Vamping Harmony
by Julian Ozar
Summary: Harmony gets her own radio show. Lulz happens. This is my first attempt into comedy, so if the jokes suck, please cut me some slack.


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Vamping Harmony

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Disclaimer: Harmony Belongs to Joss Whedon. Not Making Any Money Out of This. Blah Blah Blah.

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Anyway, for those of you who are not familiar with my work, I'm the writer for a Connor virtual series - the Path of Destruction - but at this point, I've only finished part two. Part 3 is coming along nicely. This fic is sort of a halftime special. Enjoy.

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Radio Station:

"And now back to our regularly scheduled program… The world is doomed and here's why. It's everyone's favorite occult show, it's Vamping Harmony."

"Hey everybody! It's me, Harmony! Today, I have a very special announcement. I'm engaged!" Harmony squealed like a little girl. "And the best part is… he's Dracula! Can you believe that? Dracula asked me to marry him! Isn't that uber cool? Oh my God! I mean, that is just uber cool! Take that Spike, you son of a bitch! I got Dracula! And you're still a prick with a soul."

"You can't believe how rich and handsome… and anemic he is. Okay, so he really does looks like Gary Oldman from a certain angle, but come on! Dracula! I hooked Drac! He promised to bring me to Paris and treat me like a princess unlike a certain other bastard who shall remain unknown."

Phone rings

"Whoops! Back to business. Hello, caller. You're on the line with me, Harmony."

"Uh, hi, Harmony. I need to ask you for some advice. My girlfriend and I recently broke up and it wasn't very nice. She accused me of sleeping with her sister five times. That's just bullPEEP! I did it only once. Then a couple of times with her best friend. But that's not the point! The point is I wouldn't have cheated on her if she'd been willing to get that Boob job I wanted. So it's all her fault that we broke up."

"Wow! That's really interesting. So how can I help you exactly?"

"Well, after we broke up, I grew a pair of boobs! My bitch ex called me up and told me that I got my wish, whatever that means. She was like all gloating, you know? I need help!"

"Okay. Okay. Calm down. Tell me, was she talking to any weird girls lately."

"Uh yeah, I think so. There was this goth chick. Really hot. She was into me."

"Hmmm. I'd say it was probably a vengeance demon. That's kinda their gig. Real icky face, by the way."

"What are you talking about?" The guy yelled.

"Vengeance demons. Your girlfriend made a wish to a vengeance demon."

"Uh, okay. How do I stop it?"

"How should I know? Do I look like a watcher to you… Wait, we have another caller. Hello, you're with me, Harmony."

"Uh hi," it was the voice of another guy, sandy and deep. "I want to talk to the guy with the boobs. How big are they?"

"Excuse me!" The other guy snapped.

"How big are your boobs?"

"They're pretty big."

"Nice. What are you wearing right now?"

"Hey!" Harmony snapped. "Stop it. This is my show! You guys can continue your horny perv crap elsewhere."  
"Shut up Bit… expletive!" The new caller snapped then turned back to Boob boy. "This is what I want you to do. Take two clamps and put them on your..."

The call was cutoff.

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"It's the radio show for retards and psychopaths. It's Vamping Harmony."

"Hello everybody!"

"Hi Harmony. I need some very important advice. You see, I'm soon to sell my soul for… a bigger, you know."

"Sorry what? Selling your soul for a bigger what?"

"Let me put it this way, I'm looking for a bigger tool preferably 8 inches in length and 4 inches in diameter."

"Okay, I do not know what you're talking about."

"I'm looking for a bigger gun."

"Wait a minute here. If your just gonna be all ambiguous then I'm afraid that I'm going to have to cut you off."

"Cut me off? Oh for chrissake! I'm selling my soul for a new penExpletive. What are you stupid?"

"Ohh!!! Well why didn't you say that you're selling your soul for a new peExpletive. What? I can't say penExpletive? Really? You guys are such pruds! penExpletive. penExpletive. penExpletive. Okay, Jeez. I'm sorry."

"Can we get back to my question?"

"What? Oh sorry, yeah about your Expletive."

"Yeah, if I'm gonna get a new one will I have enough, uh… credit to get more stuff?"

"Well, that depends. What other things do you want?"

"I was thinking maybe a pair of breasts too?"

"Why in the hell would you want breasts?"

"I want to maximize things when I pleasure myself."

"Oh! I get it."

"Yeah you know it, baby!"

"If you're into that sort of thing then you should also use milk lotion and honey. Oh! And don't forget to use petrol afterwards."

"Nah. I don't like petrol. I use Glue and that's why I'm looking for a new pair of boobies."

"Glue! That's a really good idea. I should try that out sometimes. Thanks."

"Hey no problem, Harmony. Glad that I could help. So aside from my add-ons what else can I get for my soul?"

"Well, what kind of demon are you selling it to?"

"Snuke the Reviler."

"Him, huh? Well, the guy gives out good deals. I suppose you could go for a second expletives."

"Really? Two expletives? Hello three way! Two guns to please two ladies. I could go for that."

"Wait! You can also get a Gethrak glands."

"Not sure I heard of those."

"Oh you'll love them! Way back when I was still in Sunnydale, I knew this guy who had these glands implanted into his butt cheeks. And it allowed him to secrete his own bodily petrol."

"Really! That is so cool!"

"Yeah, I know but I think you're gonna have to lose the second pe... expletive thing. You won't have enough credit left if you're going for the glands too."

"Oh! Don't worry about that. I'm planning to sell my gandma's soul too. She's with me right now… Shut up you, rotting expletive! Sorry about that. I think that'll give me enough to get everything. Thanks Harm. Really appreciate the advice."

"You're welcome. What a nice guy."

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"You get super strength, super senses, super powers and not to mention eternal youth! Eternal youth rules! I get to be a teenager for all eternity… And if that isn't enough! I get my own radio show! I'm a star! Okay, not a TV or movie star but hell, I'm in the biz right? I mean radio is kinda like being an actor… well, sorta. Oh screw it. On with the show!" The voice on the radio was perky, something that you would probably hear from a volatile blond cheerleader.

"Hello caller."

"Uh hi. So Harmony. I'm really into vampires and stuff, and I just want to ask what kind of clothes you wear. You know like black leather, steel toe boots and dark gloves. I just want to know if that's really true."

"Oh God! That is stereotyping. Not all vamps wear that stuff, but yeah, there are exceptions. I once dated this guy – total jerk – left me for a slayer. He painted his nails black and pretended he was Billy Idol. Totally gay. Painted his nails black. How gay is that? Oh! Also, I had this boss once, complete drama queen and freak show. Wore a leather coat. Gave me a good recommendation though. Last I heard he was driven out of town by an army of demons. Anyway, back to topic. Yeah, there are vamps who wear the "uniform" but not all. Some of us wear regular people stuff. And in my case, I dress to impress. I always wear…"

"And now it's your favorite vampire occult radio show host, Harmony. Please don't sue us."

"Hey everybody, it's me Harmony."

"Hi, my name's Jack. I'm originally from Alberta Canada, but moved here in LA."

"Hello Canada! Hi Hi Hi."

"Uh yeah, anyway. I recently tried out a spell that will make my long time crush fall helplessly in love with me, but something went terribly wrong. Instead of my crush… half the guys in my neighborhood are trying to rape me… Hey! Are you snickering?"

"Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean that…" She kept snickering.

"If you're gonna be like that then I'm not talking anymore."

"Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. Please calm down and… what's that noise."

"Oh that? I'm hiding in a Korean laundry shop. A small mob of guys want to gang bang me."

"Oh my God! This reminds me Reno. I once met an entire clan of Gorshak demons and they ran a train on me. It was aweso… I shouldn't have said that."

"Hey! I need help! How do I reverse the spell?"

"Hmmm. Let me think… I think you're supposed take a pound of flour and salt and mix it… no wait that's a miracle cure for crabs. I think… it's um, sorry can't help you."

"What do you mean you can't help me? I… oh my God. They saw me."

"Call the cops or something!"

"Some of them are the cops."

"Ooooh. Sucks to be you."

"Help me! Help me! They're… no! no! no!"

"Um… thanks for calling? Bye."

Beyond the line, numerous voices of could heard chanting: "Rape. Rape. Rape."

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"Trying to kill yourself? We're gonna give you a better reason. Vamping Harmony is up next."

"Hi Harm, I'm a snazzy female chaos demon trying to make love work. I want to ask your advice about a recent incident involving a gimp suit. My boyfriend wore it to a costume party last week and now he's totally off his nut. He wants me to wear a catholic schoolgirl outfit and beat him with riding crop while taking a dump on his chest!"

"Ewww. That happened to me once while I was still Las Vegas with Gary Coleman. I am sooo not going through that again any time soon."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh! I'm sorry. Let's get back to your problem."

"Uh, okay. My boyfriend won't take off the costume. He keeps referring to himself as a "Bad doggy" and I don't know why but he's suddenly into all that freaky S&M crap! He wants me to bite his nipples."

"Okay. Okay. I understand but first you need to stop insulting other people's sexual orientations. There are tons of S&M people who happen to be productive members Society."

"I don't care about them! Tell me how to cure my boyfriend!"

"Okay! Okay! Don't get all huffy. It sounds like you have possessed costumes. That thing happened once to my home town sound of laughter tons of people got hurt or something. It was really wicked cool… Oh! Did I just sound callous back there? Really? Come on! What's not fun about watching people get hurt? Oh for Pete's sake! Anyway, caller. Listen to me. You listening?"

"Yes."

"Good. The only way to cure your boyfriend is to make him take off the costume."

"I can't."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if I try anything, he keeps smearing himself with you know what and shouting his "safe word."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"What's the safe word?"

Expletive

"Ewww!"

"Not my idea. It was his."

"Still ewww."

"Oh my God! He's here!"

"Who?"

"My boyfriend."

"You don't suppose you could put him on the phone, do you? My producers would like that."

Sound of screaming and furniture flying.

"Uh… hello caller? Are you still there?"

Sound of gun shot!

"Whoah!"

The call was replaced by a male voice. "Hello Harmonita, it is I, Rrrramon."

"Dammit Bob! I already told you it was a mistake. The blood orgy thing was a one time deal! Just one time! I wanted to see whether or not I was really into the sex in blood thing, and I wasn't. So I'm sorry but I have to say good bye. "

"Baby, there's no point denying our feelings for each other. We're soul mates! Rrramon has spoken."

"Uh, news flash retard, we don't have souls. We're vamps."

"You know what I mean!"

"It was a one night stand Bob. A one night stand. It was nothing special. For chrissake, you ate that pizza delivery guy!"

"Arrghh! You expletive! You're in love with me! You hear! You listen to me Harmony! I the great Rrrramon will prove his love to you!"

"Yeah, how? Torture me until I love you? Ha! Good luck!"

"Hmmm. I was actually going to say a three way with a Fyarl demon but that's an even better idea."

"Hey! expletive get off the expletive line. I have more important calls."

"What more do you want from me? I got into male lactation like you wanted and you still hate me!"

"Goddaexpletive Bob, Don't talk about that!"

"About what? The fact that you are into guys who can squirt milk with their titties? It's true she made me take all those steroids. At first, I thought it wouldn't work because I'm already dead but if you pump in more than a gallon, being a corpse is apparently no hindrance to get things flowing."

"Uh, can we cut him off? Please! What do you mean the producers love him? Dammit! He's killing me here!"

"… And then she made me wear that stupid unicorn costume!"

"That was a one time deal! A one time deal, dammit!"

"And then after that, she started mixing toothpaste and ketchup and then rubbing them on my…" Sounds of crashing equipment and falling boxes.

"I'm sorry about that, but it seems that we're experiencing technical difficulties. Tune in next time for more vamping Harmony."

"Rrrrramon is ready to lactate for you baby…"

"Bob! I swear! Stay the hell away from me!"

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That's all folks. I got more for later, but right now, I need to sleep.


End file.
